Figuring things out

The last few months have been a roller coaster ride of stress and binge eating. I feel like I have had very little control over my life and it isn't a very good feeling. The result of all of this is that I weighed in at 181.8 lbs last week, the highest weight I have been in two and half years. To say it was a bit depressing is an understatement. I don't want to be one of those people that lose weight only to gain it all back and then some.

I restarted Weight Watchers online last week to try and get back on track, but for some reason, I don't feel like Weight Watchers is working for me this time. Calculating all of the points felt like a punishment rather than it did a reward for being healthy. I would end up going over my points for the day only to beat myself up about it and then go on to consume even more extra points. All I could think about was what I couldn't eat rather than focusing on what I could eat.

Over the weekend, I came to the realization that beating myself up about not being perfect whether it comes to my food consumption or my exercise routine only makes things worse and negates any positive results of me eating and being healthy. I'm trying to figure things out and instead of restricting what I can eat, I'm trying to be mindful about my choices and to make wise ones, choices that will satisfy me and won't make me go off the rails.

'm trying to eat in moderation. I love food and wine and to deny myself from trying new restaurants and new wines only makes me unhappy which leads me back to the dark path of overeating. Learning how to eat in moderation is hard, but one that I'm hoping will get easier as I learn to love myself better and not beat myself up when I don't follow a prescribed plan.

I've been following this plan for the last few days and managed to lose 0.8 lbs this past week. It isn't the largest 1-week weight loss I've accomplished, but it is a start and definitely better than the scales continuing to only go up.

Cheesy as it may be, I've also been reading The Secret and am trying to include positive affirmations and visualizations in my life. I definitely know that I'm much more likely to live a clean and healthy lifestyle when I'm happy, so I'm trying to focus on finding more joy in my life and all of the things that I do to take care of myself. Training your mind to think about all of things you have rather than all of the things you don't is definitely not as easy as you would think, but I'm going to get the hang of it soon.

My philosophy on eating has also changed the way that I'm approaching exercise. Running or any other kind of exercise became one more thing that I had to do each busy and stressful day and it has stopped being fun for the past few months. My training suffered because I couldn't bear to get out of bed in the mornings and into my running shoes. Instead of forcing myself to run so many miles per week, I'm trying to have fun with exercise and learn how to enjoy it once again. For the past week or so, this has meant going on walks and enjoying the beautiful Vegas fall weather and all of the wonderful animals that inhabit the trail by our house, including chipmunks, rabbits, hummingbirds, and even a huge desert tarantula on Sunday. These workouts make me feel energized and good about myself, the way exercise should make you feel. Granted, I've found that it is very hard for me to only walk on these excursions, and I usually find a way to sneak in some running intervals (usually when a song comes on my shuffle that makes me want to run), but I'm running because I want to and not because I have to run.

I'm trying to figure things out and realize that this will take time and that I need to care for myself and allow for mistakes and setbacks without it completely derailing my efforts to get more healthy and fit.